


Pretend I'm Him

by rogueshadows



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Character Death, F/M, I'm Sorry, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-13
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-12-14 18:19:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11788779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rogueshadows/pseuds/rogueshadows
Summary: “I can’t do this,” she says, gone still save for her shaking hands against his chest pushing away from him. He presses forward though, craving touch, craving anything at all. In that haze the words slip out unbidden.“Pretend I’m him,” Bodhi whispers and feels the shame of it almost immediately, the blinding pain behind the words. Jyn gasps softly, staring at him with a mix of horror and tragedy.





	Pretend I'm Him

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know why I like suffering but here it is, pretty much unedited. Inspired by that one scene in The Reluctant Fundamentalist that I can never get off my mind.

“I can’t do this,” she says, still save for her shaking hands against his chest pushing away from him. He presses forward though, craving touch, craving anything at all. In that haze the words slip out unbidden.

“Pretend I’m him,” Bodhi whispers and feels the shame of it almost immediately, the blinding pain behind the words. Jyn gasps softly, staring at him with a mix of horror and tragedy. Their bodies are still so close as she sits straddling his thighs and Bodhi can’t look away. Jyn blinks back her tears and all he can hear is the shuddering breaths between them in the dark, each intake of breath a ghost of their loss. He wishes he had swallowed the words to his grief sick core but doesn’t have the voice to take them back.

\---

When they first heard the news that the mission had gone south they’d foolishly clung to hope and each other. At the sight of Cassian in his coffin though, everything between them changed and fell away to white noise. Jyn pushed him away and lashed out, leaving base as fast as hyperspace could carry. He didn’t have the heart to stop her or the bravery to see her at her most hurt. They both couldn’t picture a world where they could make each other happy anymore. So he stayed and she went, each with their vices to mourn. She filled the void with violence as he filled it with silence.

He tried not to be bitter but couldn’t bear to talk about what happened, didn’t want to hear the endless train of condolences and envied Jyn’s will to leave everything behind. The sad far off look in people’s eyes when they saw him never faded so he stopped meeting people’s eyes. He lived and breathed for the rebellion and tried to bury his regrets in the work as Cassian had for so long.   


If it wasn’t for Leia pulling her out of a mission resoundingly, after a particularly suicidal move, he doubts Jyn would have returned at all. There she stood among the noise and chaos of the base and Bodhi could almost pretend that Cassian would follow down the gang plank behind her like he had so many times. Cassian would wind his hand in hers and sometimes make a run for where Bodhi stood. He can almost feel their shared embrace, the tender slide of Cassian’s lips against his as Jyn tucked her head into his neck. The memory aches in his chest and he shakes himself from it. He won’t cry in front of her. She’s here and she’s whole, as much as he knows she doesn’t want to be. He has to be okay for her.

He half expects her to feign indifference and is surprised when she smiles through the wounded look in her eyes. She silently hands him her flask and he takes a long sip. The warmth it brings buzzes round his insides in contrast to the frigid air between them. Always the brave one, she breaks the silence.

“I’ve missed you,” she says and he almost flinches at the familiar sound of her voice.   
“I’m glad you’re back,” he responds, his own voice rough and nearly broken.

He’s glad she doesn’t hug him as the ghost of his memory lingers. Of all the words he thought they’d say they end up making small talk. It feels like another life, perhaps another chance.

Jyn falls into work around the base and it would seem easy to anyone who doesn’t know her well. Anyone who doesn’t recognize the tension coiled in her at all times beckoning her to run. He tries his best to help her settle with meaningless chatter and late night games of sabacc but being alone with her only makes matters worse. As the weeks go on it starts to feel like it did before, when Cassian was just out of reach on a mission, and it hurts.

“I can’t wait to tell Cassian,” he says after some story she’s told, he’s tired and he _ forgot. _ With a wave of nausea the words feel like a knife in his chest, a bullet in hers. He can’t imagine what she must think, tries not to, as she all but sprints from his room with a muttered good night.

\---

After he said Cassian’s name out loud they had avoided each other for days on end, each feeling lost until he’d seen her drinking alone in the hangar and couldn’t bear it. He asked her back to his and as the door slid closed behind him she’d initiated the searing kiss between them without warning or reason. With a sharp intake of breath, he gave in to her, blocking the hum at the back of his mind of how wrong it felt. She always kissed like a fight and now he felt it tenfold, sure his lips would bruise by the end of the night. He hardly remembered taking off his clothes as they chased the rush of feeling again until their ghost caught up with them and his blasphemous words slipped loose.

She looks at him with more understanding than he can imagine and it’s almost worse than anger. He pulls away, wiping at the tears on his face unsure of where his start and hers end. He tries to slip out from beneath her because if she won’t leave then he has to, suddenly unable to breathe for all the hurt in him. She pins him in place with the hand on his chest, not letting him leave and still not saying anything.   


“Please,” he says and he’s not sure what he’s asking, if he’d rather her let him go or kiss him again and let them both forget.  
  
“He wouldn’t want that,” she says finally through tears and he loses composure entirely. He pulls her down to lie on top of him and clutches her in an embrace as they both try to put themselves back together. It’s the first time she’s spoken about him since she came back, the first time anyone has in months and the weight of that is stifling.

“I know,” he answers, because he has to believe it. He has to believe Cassian loved him and that once she had too, that Jyn would never put him through that pain even if he’d begged for it.   


“I don’t either,” she gasps out, “I want you, I do, Bodhi,” she says looking at him with red rimmed eyes. There’s something returned to them like the light they'd both lost. She kisses him over and over again, from his lips down his neck so softly as he shakes trying not to break. She whispers his name between each kiss so he knows and as much pain as they are both in at least they are finally together, no longer trying to drown themselves in Cassian’s absence. He lets himself feel her skin with his fingertips and wonders if she can feel the love settled in his rib cage. The loneliness fades a bit at tha, his heart beats again, more present than he’s been in all that lost time.

They don’t make love but they touch every part of each other, hands seeking purchase as they get each other off. In the afterglow, she doesn’t run and neither does he, they lie facing each other and breathe.

“I love you,” he says because he does and she needs to hear it.   
“I won’t leave you again,” she responds, because he does too, beyond her love, he has to know this. He ducks in close and kisses her once more with no anguish behind it before they both fade off to sleep.

\---

Somewhere Cassian feels their grief settle and rests just as easily knowing they will be okay.


End file.
